the one and only truly amazing katster (katster) wrote,
the one and only truly amazing katster

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dammit, where was the air raid sirens?

Two and a half years left in a pile of smoking rubble in half a second.

and apparently, I'm not supposed to feel anything about this because, after all, it's "only IRC."

There's a reason I won't talk about depression around a lot of the people whom I consider my closest friends. I mean, yeah, they know I'm manic-depressive, but when I'm depressed, which seems like most of the time, I don't say anything. Usually their first clue that something's gone wrong is when I go storming from the channel in a rage over something or other. It sucks because that shouldn't be the only way I can have of expressing feelings. But it is, because I hate appearing like the depressed katster all the time, and because, to be honest, I'm not sure anybody would truly understand. Especially if IRC is in any way involved in my latest funk.

would these same people who are telling me not to let things bug me because it's only IRC be so quick to say the same thing about real life? I mean, yeah, you shouldn't let these things bug you because it's only RL. The latter sentence is patent bullshit, so why isn't the former? Why does the medium change the message?

Yeah, I have things I need to work on. I need to not let my temper have so much of a say. Granted, it's harder to keep it under control when I'm depressed, but I still need to learn better. Anger is a weapon only to one's opponent. Who's the better person, the one who doesn't know they're striking out indiscriminately with their anger, or the person who does know exactly what their anger does, but goes ahead and indulges anyway?

yeah, I should probably apologize to a few folks whom I was angry at indiscrimently. I'm not sure that I can so easily apologize to those who told me that my feelings don't matter. And in all honesty, it's just IRC, they prolly didn't even notice.

Sorry, I'm kinda bitter tonight, and that's why I'm rambling. It's been an utterly long day, and I'm still in kinda a state of shock that somebody who claimed she was my friend could throw away two and a half years of caring because I committed the heinous crime of disagreeing with her. In fact, the last I knew of said friend is that she asked for time alone to figure out what was going on in her head, and the next thing I know, I'm kicked off her LJ friends list and told basically that she wants nothing to do with me. This hurts. It hurts not only for the friendship lost, but for the trust that's lost if she was ever to come crawling back.

Ari (tanesmuti) gave me the advice the other day that I can't be friends with everybody. This is a lesson I'm learning. Somebody else told me that he chose not to associate with me for a list of reasons which he hasn't divulged to me, and that's fine. I can't learn what made him hate me in the first place, and I can't correct them. That's fine. I prolly wasn't gonna be able to fix things anyway, so... *shrug*. I can't be friends with everybody. The best I can learn is to exist in the same place with them without fighting.

So, here I am, at three in the morning, randomly thinking, and ripping John Henry, for no other reason than I want to have the songs in my mp3 playlist. John Henry got me through some tough times in college, and rediscovering it has been a lot of fun. o/~ meet james ensor o/~ ! :) TMBG is always goofy and makes me feel better.

So yeah. I'll write more about my utterly crappy week, and my typical aversion to February a bit later. Now I should prolly sleep. getting random usually doesn't help, and when i'm rambling about utterly depressing feelings... :P sorry to subject you all to it.

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