My mind is a jumble of thoughts at the moment, but the first has to do with this. There's a tiny spark of creativity. Some hope for the future. I'm going to ask those of you to whom I owe writing to stay backed off at the moment (trust me, I'm very aware of the stuff I owe you. It eats at me every day, and I'm actually *gasp* going to start working on it -- just give me time to make a connection to the muse.)
Anyway, first of all, I was thinking of starting a writers group, to post random writing I wouldn't mind criticism on, but would like to keep in a small critical group for the simple reason of not losing first publishing rights, and the simple fear that everything I write is crap. If you'd like to be in this group, leave a message for me here, or email me, or catch me on IRC and let me know you want to be in it. I'm not adding anybody unless they've specifically asked (yes, even you, Patrick). I'd like to think jenny_evergreen and wiredferret for bringing the idea to my attention.
Secondly, I've started work going through The Artist's Way. It, so far, seems like a neat book, and I need to drag my muse out of hiding and back into my life. Being self-identified as a writer and not being able to write has got to be the most frustrating thing on the planet.
My beloved Patrick wrote in his userinfo bio the following line: "If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then I guess I'm flattering God." I've always identified with that line. I am a writer. I create. I know God exists, I see His handiwork in the trees and the flowers, and I never feel as alive as when I am creating myself. Maybe it's because God is, at heart, an artist, and appreciates the flattery.
Not that I think you have to believe in the god that I believe in, but that's just how I feel. Call it what you want, but I am saying here and now, that I was born to create. And so, dammit, I am going to create. I am going to break through or around this block if it's the last goddamned thing I do, and I vow it now.
I am a creator. I AM a writer. Thus, I will create. I will write. I have to. it's in my blood.
But first, bed.
Tomorrow, I start writing, three pages a day, longhand. But tonight, I just realize I'm a writer. I need that.