the one and only truly amazing katster (katster) wrote,
the one and only truly amazing katster

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o/~ maybe then I'll fade away and not have to fact the facts/ it's not easy facing up when your whole world is black o/~

it's funny. I don't often have much choice how my moods decide to swing, it's often just riding out the roller coaster and praying that the ride will not be too harsh or brutal. It's not something I can stop...once set upon that roller coaster ride, there's no getting off in the middle.

I'm not sure how much people realize that I've been trying to force myself not to get on the roller coaster. Since the end of April, if not before, my life has quickly spun out of control, and it's only by absolute sheer force of will that I can keep myself on anything resembling stable. And looking back at the last two months, half the crap I managed to pull off despite everything is just amazing. The B in calculus stands out. Going into the last two exams I had a solid middle of the road C, and had hit a low point not that long ago at managing to get yet another 75 on my test on series (which I had understood, or so I thought). Then mom gets sick, my life goes to hell, and I pull a 94 on my matrices test and at least a B on my final. (I figured I had to get at least 83 to make the B range for my final grade. So maybe this sense of doom will help when I go to take my big certification test this next week)

But it's a matter of the mental energy required to keep myself stable. I've used up a lot of it in the last two months and my reserves are growing ever closer to rock bottom. Having faith that things are going to get better is difficult in my present position. There's this growing sense that everything I do is wrong, that I've made too many mistakes. To quote T.S. Eliot's marvelous poem that I've quoted two nights in a row:

Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

The problem is, I fear, that the judgement has been too heavy upon us. The decisions I've made in the past two months -- there's some I'm not proud of, some I made because it seemed the only reasonable way...

$diety knows I've tried to be reasonable, to try to affirm and keep the self-worth of everybody at a reasonable level. But...what price glory? What price to my sanity is this attempt? I can't please everybody; should I please nobody? Should I become one of the selfish masses in a simple attempt to placate my aching soul? Why am I putting everybody else ahead of me? Why do I try, when the attempt is clumsy but well-meaning, but it gets swatted down before it even reaches its destination?

The old childhood chant is a lie. Words hurt as much as sticks, as much as stones, if not worse. Never go up in battle against a master word-twister, they can take a simple statement such as "The sky is blue." and twist it to mean something you never intended. But of course you had to intend it, they said so....and after all, they know how you're feeling.

So maybe it's...just an idea that everything I believe in is wrong. I believe (or I thought I did) that every person was valuable and had an important contribution. This may seem inconsistent with my actions, and this is where the dilemma enters. How do you balance? How could this have been fairer?

Or is there some definition of people that excludes some human beings that I'm not aware of?

I don't know what to believe in anymore. This judgement has been too harsh upon us...or at least me.

--the quiet, introverted, withdrawn god.

*sigh* maybe I should move this LJ update time, I'm always depressed right before I go to bed.

g'night ari, shad, cal, zibby, aris, mal, damo, nick, KJ, pupp, DS, ryu, neko, mids, mythchan, lurker, and everybody else out there that I can't think of at the moment.


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