May 22nd, 2001


after all...

"Go ahead, push your luck,
find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control,
And reigned my soul in tight

"Well the whole truth,
It's like the story of a wave unfurled
But I held the evil off the world
So I stopped the tide, froze it up from inside...

"And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
But everyone else is springbound."

"And when I chose to live
There was no joy, it's just a line I crossed
Wasn't worth the pain my death would cause
But I wasn't lost or found."
--Dar Williams, "After All"

This is one of my favorite songs. The first four verses, which I've typed in, have felt like many a depression I've gone through, where the only choice really seems to die, but I couldn't even bring myself to do that. Couldn't even give this bitter world the final insult. And now that I'm sane again, I'm glad I couldn't.

You see, it's bad when you get so depressed that it seems like the only option. You've spent all this time fighting the evils, holding it away from the world, keeping it from washing over everything you love...and to be cursed with only an eternal winter without the hope of spring to save you. And at that time you have to hope that your friends see your plight of eternal winter and drag you kicking and screaming out of it.

I'm reminded of this song this morning, because of threats somebody else has been making. They strike deep, next to my deepest feelings, because I've had to fight that urge. But at the same time, while I want to go in and help them, I can't. And it frustrates me. Because, basically, I feel like I'm negotiating with a terrorist. Y'know..."Do what I say, or somebody gets hurt!"

And it's doubly frustrating when the person who will be hurt is the person doing the threatening.

What does one do when one is in this situation? Friends have different ideas than I do, and I'm constrained by one of my own beliefs, namely, a respect for life that practically requires that I don't allow a human to die in vain if I can help it. Which leaves me in a boat I'm not pleased to be in.

Hopefully it'll all work out better in the end. And now I have a math exam to get to.

"'Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

"'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all."
--Dar Williams, "After All"
  • Current Music
    Dar Williams - After All

is this really the end of the world?

falling off the tightrope.

my mood's been relatively stable the past few weeks. What a surprise. But suddenly, precipitously, it's dropped, hard. To the point where I'm purposely cuing my depressive songs, which means I've fallen hard. and it's lonely in the abyss...

things keep getting more distant, more hard to hang on, more hard to see clearly. It's my old dear friend, the greyness creeping up on me, stealing my ability to care, to reason, to feel...why bother? it's too much effort, too much work, too much...i can't anymore. Too much...and nobody bothers.

at the bottom of the abyss, groping blindly in the dark, wondering if there'll ever be a way back into the light.

feeling like I'm the rope in a tug-a-war game, wondering if a) there is anything a person can do that is so hideous that it would be good riddance to bad rubbish, and b) whether such an attitude is right, whatever the answer to the first question is?

is this really the end of the world? Game over, I lose? I don't think so, I don't want to believe so, but it's always an attractive answer, the siren song of madness calling out to me. Never have to worry, never have to care again. The great adventure, y'know?

But I hold back, somehow. I've managed before. I've fought with these beasts before, and I know it.

but at times, it's awful difficult.

"seagull go and fly
fly to your tomorrows
leave me to my sorrow..."
--bad company, "seagull"
  • Current Music
    bad company-seagull