July 31st, 2001


oh geez...

o/~ How do you document real life when real life is getting more like fiction each day? o/~

I sometimes wonder how I managed to get trapped in a novel. I mean, my life itself is pretty boring. I'm a student, and a would be writer, but I've got a fairly calm life despite it all. But if you add the chat component of my life, it suddenly gets wild and wonky.

2001 hasn't been kind to me so far. Everything has conspired against me, or so it feels. All my friends are having their problems, and I'm having my own, and it's all conspired to be quite a weight. And it doesn't help that there are people who will take advantage of people that care about humanity.

I just got back from vacation, right? Yeah. I had a nice vacation, and it's the first time this year I've felt mostly okay about things. Things were fairly quiet on all fronts, my mom is doing well, and even the usual problems had gotten died down to a dull roar. I'd log in briefly to IRC, and ask my friends what was going on, and they'd say "Nothing." Dullsville. It was a relief.

The thing is...as I was getting ready to go, more problems had popped up. Okay. Whee, it's not a big problem, glancing at the logs, both parties had reason to be at fault, and it was a subject I could stay neutral on. Or so I thought. I stumble in late at night, suspecting most things were handled, and those that weren't would be soon.

And then today happened. First, I get handed a missing piece of log which shows somebody going ballistic on a good friend of mine. And then the person who went ballistic caught me the second I showed my face on one of my messaging programs. When I enquired as to what she wanted, I got snapped at and then apologized to on account of it being a long week. When I stated that people failing to get along wasn't my problem, she proceeded to tell me that I should be glad I wasn't around for the past week. It felt like she wanted me to inquire into what had happened, but I didn't feel up to rehashing anything, so I didn't ask.

Okay. Staying neutral in these conflicts never works, but I still was trying. And then the third thing happened. I'll let him talk more about it, I know he'll have words to say on the matter, but lets just put it this way. Calling somebody long distance to berate somebody for a comment to your LJ, and insulting one of their best friends in the process twice is not the way to go about winning friends and influencing people. Nor is bringing up subjects that are a sore point. You said once that discussing points calmly is what you do. Well...show us.

As for staying out of it, I was drug in when one of my best friends needed me to help him calm down after said phone card. And the other has been in a funk about this all weekend. And it's the same cause, the same person giving them grief. I'm sorry, but I can't stay out of it when my friends are hurting.

But then I don't know anything. This post is gonna get disregared, or I'll get yelled at, one of the two. But I had to say something.

I define friend as such. A friend is somebody who cares about me, and whom I care about. A friend is my staunchest supporter, yet they're not afraid to tell me when I'm about to fuck up. And when I do fuck up, and I don't realize it, they're there to remind me where the path is. They don't necesarily have to agree with me, but they're usually good enough to pick up how I feel about something. They don't lie to me and I don't lie to them.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid the person I'm thinking of in this matter doesn't want friends, she wants yes men.

And I'm beginning to think Ship is right. Interacting with this person is causing problems with my head. My mental health is not only important to me, it's crucial. And in a time like this, where my family is riding the emotional roller coaster because of my mother, it's important that I be able to focus my energy on that, and not on the IRC crisis du jour. Doubly so because of my illness.

This is how I feel. Right now, I'm fed up at the crap, I'm angry because my friends are being hurt, and I'm wondering if the person that's hurt both my friends can even take five seconds to look at it from the other guy's perceptive.

And then again, it could all be in my head. What do I know?

o/~ 'cause everything is rent o/~

<end incoherent rant...other things later>
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