August 7th, 2001

dream, thoughtful, quiet

the fscked up lives we lead...

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like to be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams, they are as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengance, that's never free

No one knows what it's like to feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard on their anger
None of my pain or woe
Can show through

But my dreams, they are as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengance, that's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

And if I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
--The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"

This is one of my depressive songs, as you can probably tell by the lyrics. There are times it seems eerily appropriate to my fscked up life. I'm tired, and I don't know how much longer I can take some of this crap. I often wonder if perhaps I'm like the person singing this song, that nobody sees the real me, they only see the me I project.

I spent a long time tonight trying to calm a friend down. 2k1 hasn't been kind to either of us, and we're starting to doubt who we are and what we do. Yet, at the same time, we can't give it up. It's what we do, it's who we are. Which makes it all the more painful.

It's...I find myself rapidly sliding down the slope of not being able to feel anything. This is usually the sign I'm sliding into a major depression, but I'm hoping against hope it's not that. I don't need to deal with that right now. School starts in two weeks, I need to be productive when I hit that point.

Nothing is fun anymore. Most of the things I have to drag myself to do, and I find that happening more and more. I mean, most of the weekend was spent playing a damned video game instead of doing anything remotely productive. And there are certain people who can effectively kill my interest in doing something that is fun. That bothers me.

I'm trying to write something very important, and so far it's going nowhere. I have this fear that the person whom this very important thing is being written for will either shrug it off and continue on the same path he/she has been on for quite a while, with maybe using some of the stuff I say as excuses; or that he/she will turn folks against me using my own writing. Trying to write with these paranoid fears on your mind makes it so much more difficult to say what you want to say.

I find it bothersome that I either have to go to private mode or use vague circumlocations to express what I want to. Things I have written here have come back to affect me in real life, and what is worse is that a few things I have wrote have caused my FRIENDS to be affected in real life. If you have such a problem with what I write, take it up with me directly...I'm using this journal as somewhat of therapy. I've had a couple of my psychiatrists and therapists point out that daily journaling is a helpful way to track how I'm feeling and my cycles.

And in some deep way, I want to be understood. I'm letting down my guard here, I'm letting folks in on what I think. I'm not always easy to understand, because I've kept such a tough shield up so I wouldn't get hurt. I'm letting that guard down, willing to take some pain...but I didn't expect it to happen so fast or so furious.

A friend was telling me the other night about somebody that considers information, especially personal information, to be a weapon. I'm not sure what to think of that to be honest. Sure, information is a weapon. You let somebody have it, and it can be used to inflict pain. But just as information can be used as a weapon, it can also be used as a tool. That same information can be used for both hurting purposes and healing purposes. And if you keep your information close to you, afraid to let anybody see it for fear they're going to use it to hurt you...well, you're also missing out on the chance for somebody to take that information and use it to heal. Information is just like any other tool -- it has its good and bad usages.

My life is much richer because I share. Or, at least, that's how I feel about it. And that's part of the reason I let my journals stay public...it's that genuine hope that something I find or something I say will have a very profound effect on others. If I kept my information locked up close to my heart...well, I'm safe from being hurt by it, but I lose that richness, that vibrance, and I become paranoid about information leakage. But if I share, I touch others in this interconnected web.

And that's a good thing to strive for...even if you're behind blue eyes.

***

Started fiddling around with mySQL tonight. it's pretty nifty, and I'm suddenly not worried about the database part that I need to know for SIMS enrollment. I'll let you folks see what I'm up to when I go to figure out how to make a web interface to the database...prolly in October or so.

Just a side point and an irrevalency, but it had to be noted.

  • Current Music
    Who-Behind Blue Eyes