August 31st, 2001


There are some things I'm learning...

First, I need to take care of myself.

This is something that's been a long time in coming. Yes, there are triggers to set me off. Yes, I get sent on a roller coaster ride if I hit one of those triggers. However, it is my job in caring for myself to see the trigger and avoid it if at all possible. This may mean doing things that are harmful and hurtful to others, but it's either do no harm to anybody else and take it all for myself, or finally start taking responsibility for myself. I'll still practice "First, do no harm" the best I can, but it is not the most applicable thing in all situations.

The bipolar's mantra must be, "This, too, shall pass." This manic spell will pass, this depression will someday lift, there is life beyond this day. To this, I add, "in the silent places". There are some things best not brought up publically, some places where it is simply only appropriate to watch, and to wait, and to grieve silently for what could have been.

o/~ there is no future/ there is no past/ thank god this moment's not the last o/~

Second, you have to have faith in things, but more importantly, you have to have faith in people.

I have faith in the folks who have shown themselves to be my friends, repeatedly. Ari and Zibby have been my closest friends, and they've found some way to be there when I needed it, despite what they were going through. Dwagin and Ship, the unholy duo, have managed to surprise me when I've needed an ear to listen to and a refuge from reality. Aio, who has, despite only knowing her for a very short time, stood by me through some of the biggest crises in my life. There's the dwagon, whose faith in me has been necesary at times. And of course, how could I forget Mr. Sysadmin, the man who has been there for me more times than I can count, and even puts up with statues of lime green jello in his office.

There's Mal and Fire, who have helped me in innumerable ways, if for nothing more than to offer me the cynical bastard position to my optimistic and, at times, naive way of looking at things. And all the people that i know will be there if I need them: phen, Pupp, Suki, DS, KJ, Tang, Evea, Pri, the Impro gang, and even Cyg once she's managed to help herself. :)

And I'm grateful for that tonight.

o/~ there's only us, there's only this/ forget regret, or life is yours to miss/ no other road, no other way/ no day but today o/~

Third, mental illness is nothing to be scared about.

It's just like diabetes. Except, instead of my pancreas being all screwed up, it's my brain. So, I need chemicals to regulate how my brain percieves the world. Better than being a person that nobody can be friends with because I swing so desperately fast that I'm trying to hang on to what I have and don't have time for anybody else. Better than living under some bridge somewhere convinced the aliens are about to invade.

But so many people resist treatment, because they're afraid they'll somehow be changed on the other end. Or they're scared of the psychiatric drugs. Or some other excuse. Look, just because my brain has an imbalance of chemicals doesn't mean I'm going to go out and kill people at random on the street.

No matter how tempting this may be... :)

Interestingly enough, there's been studies on how people use drugs and alcohol to self medicate. And it works, to a point, except there's other consequences to it. To this day, I'm scared to death of alcohol, even though I know just touching it to my lips won't make me an alcoholic. (I finally got up enough guts to even try something alcoholic earlier this was very bitter, and Aris/Ship laughed at me).

o/~ I can't control my destiny/ I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be o/~

Anyway, I need to get to bed, I have school tomorrow. G'night world.

o/~ Will I lose my dignity?/ Will someone care?/ Will I wake tomorrow/ from this nightmare? o/~

o/~ no day but today... o/~
  • Current Music
    rent - no day but today

wow, boredom...

sitting in powerpoint class, trying to avoid being a zombii...

watching the teacher lecture about all the wonderful features of powerpoint for the last hour or so ... when if I'd been given five minutes on my own, I'd have managed to figure it out on my own...sorely tempted to spend Monday doing all my work for both my skills classes, which will give me the freedom to do whatever I want in those classes...

this is so completely stupid. I know computers, and I've actually played with microsoft products. I know how to use the fscking help! :P

And they don't even have an option to change Clippy to something a bit less annoying...

*sigh* only about a half hour more to go before I'm actually in a couple intellectually and/or emotionally challenging classes...

Oh, wow, it's the windows 98 program bar! Yeah, that's where your program *goes* when you minimize it!

*yawn* Oh well, easy A.
  • Current Mood
    bored bored