September 2nd, 2001

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disjoint musings.

On a side note, I really dislike pretentious bastards.

today was okay, I guess. I mean, Cal got creamed (what a way to open the season. Fsck.). and I'm sick, and my parents are being annoying, and I'm fighting another damned low level depression....

This is the story of my life.

On a happier note, I got to talk to Zibby, and I got to rpg today, and I even got a bit of a nap in the afternoon, which was nice. Considering I'm running a fever and stuff, and not feeling well in general...it all works, I think.

It's nice to have friends.

On the other hand, I've noticed a tendancy to let it all hang loose, to say things without thinking through consequences. But I'm not sure how to let other people know what I need, how I feel, what I'm thinking. Because when I voice an opinion, it feels like it's slapped out of the air or just not paid attention to. Unless somebody's seeked out my opinion, then it gets paid attention to. Weird.

the self-censorship I put myself through bothers me. I don't say things. Maybe they'll hurt somebody, maybe they'll not be the right thing at the right time...maybe I'm wrong. So I don't say things. I hold my tongue perhaps more than I should.

But what am I supposed to do? On the good side, I don't think anybody actively hates me, and I'm pretty much liked...but what kind of liking is it?

Who am I, really?

What am I trying to hide?

Why can't I tell people what I think of them, their ideas, the way they come across? And why do I have to be the one telling them? Why can't they figure it out for themselves?

I mean...I try. But maybe I don't try hard enough.

if this makes absolutely no sense, don't worry. Most things I write don't.
  • Current Music
    Children of Eden - In the Beginning