September 23rd, 2001

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o/~ in new york, freedom looks like too many choices o/~

o/~ in new york, i found a friend to drown out the other voices/ voices on a cellphone/ voices from home/ voices of the hard sell/ voices down a stairwell/ just got a place/ in new york o/~

I'm not writing in this thing as much as I used to. I've got things on my mind and stuff, and sometimes, the words don't want to flow. I'm in one of those times now. I don't know if I forced myself to go on as normal a bit too early in the grieving process, or what, but it's whapped me hard..

I picked up a copy of Flight Simulator 2000 to see what all the fuss is about. Looks mostly to be much ado about nothing. I couldn't fly a commercial jet after this, not unless they equipped my plane with a keyboard to manipulate the flight controls. But besides that, it's a rather interesting and fun game. Different than your standard shoot 'em up fare. I can't believe ANYBODY was stupid enough to claim that this computer game caused the WTC planeings.

First time I've bought a Microsoft product willingly, though. Heh.

I also found, for fourteen bucks, a copy of all the Hitchhiker's books in one big fat volume. Since my copy of Hitchhiker's got lent out and never returned, I guess it's only appropriate and stuff.

(Some playing of flight simulator ensues, where katster figures out how to change the aircraft. And then how to crash them. Crashing them is pretty easy when you don't know what you're doing.. Crashing them into specific targets takes a bit more doing.)

Yeah. Anyway, I'm suffering from a bit of a bout of depression. Not that anybody notices, but hey. Everybody's got their own problems, and I'll just wander away for a while, and see where that leads me. Besides, I have three exams and two quizzes in the next two weeks And without the added stress that IRC and the moo brings, I might be able to actually acomplish something.

Besides, there's a lot of added stress brought on when you deal with somebody who is both smug and annoyingly rational at the same time. Arrogant bastard. And he never listens. Too enamored with his own ideas, he is, to pay any attention to what others might have to say. And even when what you say gets through, he has some annoyingly rational reason for why you're wrong. Of course, god help it that he's ever wrong. :P There's a lot of stress there that I don't know how to deal with, and I don't know how to tell him that he's frustrating as hell.

But it's okay, they like him better than they like me.

It's the same game, same story everywhere else I wander. I can't bear to deal with most people. People in general are annoying and infuriating me. Strong signs that this may not be depression I'm dealing with, but black mania. Whee. Because everything's going too fast. I can't hang on, but I daren't let go. And it really skews my views of people and things. I start mistrusting people and mistrusting things.

Thank god I have a rock. Another person, who is there for me unconditionally, no matter which weather pattern I happen to be displaying. And right now I can only imagine how frightening I must be at times with the way I'm feeling, that I'm trying to contain all inside.. Tempest in a teapot, Shakespeare once wrote, and it's the best description for what I'm trying to do. Trying to control a raging storm before I lash out and hurt people. But my rock understands. My rock not only understands, but he lets me know that such feelings are okay, that it's best to express them and get them out, where they can die out like an afternoon thunderstorm.

Besides, he's creating the nation of Canukistan on my northern border, so I have to like him. ;)

Anyway, I have to go take care of the dishes now, and throw some clothes in the washer, and it's already three thirty. I'd better go sleep and stuff too. I'll wander more on the subject of black mania later, but for right now, I think I'll take a break from all my IRC channels and my mudding. Because, in all honesty, you don't need to know me like this.
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