January 1st, 2002

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Looking forward...

See...I told you I'd write this journal entry "next year." ;)

Anyway, it seemed only fitting to do this on this side of the arbitrary divider. And sure, it's arbitrary, but it's the date most of us have agreed holds some signifigance, so happy new year.

tanesmuti wrote an interesting set of questions in her journal. I've been pondering them all night as I've had the chance. Here they are, for those of you not inclined to look.


so, what did you learn this year? was it worth it? do you have any regrets?

what hopes, dreams, plans do you have for 2002?


Tackling the questions in order. What did I learn this year? I learned, as zibblsnrt said, who my true friends are. As I was browsing my logs to peek at what did happen last year, I came across a new year's conversation between myself and Zibby in which I was worried about two things, one of course being the fscking Cease and Desist Lyons Corp hit the Jihad (and more notably, me!) with, and the other being a distance I was finding in the relationships I had with my at the time two bestest friends -- Blue and Ari.

How things change in a year's time. My circles have changed a bit, it's weird. But yeah, I know who stood by me when I most needed an ear, and who couldn't be up to the task. And I'm glad to have learned that lesson.

Secondly, I learned a lot about myself. it's kinda hard to believe all that's transpired in the span of a few days. But I wrote a psych journal in which I had to talk about adjectives that describe me, and also adjectives that friends used to describe me. And when I asked folks to help with this journal assignment, Ari and Zibby cam through with flying colors, and helped me write a really good paper. The paper, however, is beyond the scope of this answer.

The point though, is that Ari and Zibby picked one similiar adjective that I wouldn't have chosen for myself. Strong. Never would I have picked that, in my honest opinion, I back down too much in the sake of harmony, I quiver, I hide, I can't stand up to things...

Or at least that was my honest opinion on December 28th.

Early in the morning on December 29th, in a phone call across the continent, the dam broke, and I was met with a flood of emotion that I haven't felt in ages. And when it was all over, I found myself standing. I found myself STANDING. Do you realize how big that is? It's been an incredible realization, the crap that I've held onto for DECADES. (I'm only 23. Some of those hurts go back to grade school and high school).

And it's gone. Or at least the need to hold onto them. And that's the last thing I've learned, is more about myself than I knew. And given that, I think I can make it.

So, was it worth it? In the end run, with the picture as a whole, hell yeah. I've had a hell of a year. But I needed every kick in the teeth to push me closer to a realization I haven't had in ages. And for once, I'm happy. I'm truly happy. Joy has entered my vocabulary, as has hope, and I needed that. I needed to hit rock bottom in my own way before I could really start staring at the stars again. And I'm also glad that same trial-by-fire method that I needed to make a few realizations brought me my closest friend ever.

That's something the me entering 2001 would have never guessed -- that the guy I was ranting to about my best friends drifting away would, in the span of a year, go from a casual friend to the most amazing friend I've ever had. And Patrick? I hope you're smiling when you read this, because you've been more than wonderful. Thank you very, very, very much. :)

This is obviously not where I expected to be at this time last year. :)

Regrets? Well, sure. There's been a lot of pain, some of which I've had to cause in order to make a point. I'm sorry my relationship with some people degenerated. I'm not happy that there are a few people I just can't talk to because they end up frustrating the hell out of me or making me hurt (or give me a lecture, which stings too.) And I'm sorry I had to cause a lot of pain to people because they wouldn't listen any other way.

And well, I'm sorry September 11th happened, but it seems like a fscking miracle that the body count from that day is just below three thousand. And it was one of those moment of "now that things can't get any worse..." that Zibb was talking about.

September 11th is where we hit rock bottom. But we're piling the pieces back together, and sometimes it takes great tragedy to find great courage and the inspiration to do difficult things.

Plans for 2k2? You mean, besides talking all my friends into pitching in money to get me a plane ticket to Halifax? ;) (I'm katster at retstak dot org on Paypal if anybody's crazy enough to take me up on that...)

Well, I plan to get these damned grad skewl apps done, and hopefully get in. But either way, I'll somehow either get out of my parents house or die trying. If grad skewl doesn't work out, I think I'm gong to pursue my dream of being a Great American Novelist (or at least a bookwriter). There's the standard new year's resolution of getting more excercise and losing some weight (and these damned pills are supposed to be helping). I'm going to work on making my relationship with some people stronger than it is now, as well as exploring the non-cynical definitions of some words.

I want also to define my spiritual beliefs in some fashion and become more involved in something in my real life community. Work on my writing. Learn to fail with good graces. Do well in my classes. The usual, y'know?

And of course, I want to try and keep this happy warmfuzzy feeling for as long as possible, and when the inevitable depression crops up (I'm manic-depressive; depressions are a part of life...) to remember that I'm a wanted and loved member of a community as well as to individuals.

But I think it's gonna be easier to do that.

o/~ I think it's gonna be a happy new year! o/~
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