June 16th, 2002

scared, trapped

I can't get my fucking head to quit spinning

Fuck seems to have become my new favourite adjective. I think that's a hint that things are stressing me out a bit.

Anyway. Ten days from now, at this exact time, I will be arriving at San Francisco International to catch a flight. And this has me in all sorts of panic. And it doesn't help that my parents have decided to lower the boom on me. So every time I see them, I get "Clean your room!" It's about to drive me nuts. If it isn't already.

I think that's part of the reason I'm staying up so late. It's this late at night that I have the house to myself and can think. Therein lies the problem. I'm expected to be up at noon. So I'm slowly cutting my sleep patterns out, and making them a bleeding mess, and Patrick and I have both noticed that I tend towards depression when I'm sleepy, which doesn't help my mood... *sigh* Perfect catch-22 situation. If I don't get the time to myself, I go *boom*. If I do, I hold off a *boom*, but at the expense of my sanity. I don't win, either way.

So much of my life is that, lately, no win situations. To be honest, I'm actually sorta looking for a two week mostly off IRC vacation.

It's just a lot of stress.Trying to figure what to bring, trying to see what my parents want me to do, trying to live up to all *their* expectations...

So anyway, fair warning to all folks who come across this journal. If I go *boom* in your direction, it may not be your fault. Put up with my shorter than normal fuse these next couple weeks. And a hint, if you have anything that's even likely to upset me, really think *hard* about it before you bug me about it If you're not sure how it's going to be taken, you might try running it past zibblsnrt, who most of the time can get me to think rationally, even in these moods.

And I think that's about everything.

Back to attempting to clean off the bed.

PS: LJ needs a "gah!" mood.
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