November 18th, 2002

scared, trapped

But I'd Rather Have a Bowl of Katster.

Lots of thoughts probably better put in the misc category. It's not depression, more a weariness. And I need to go to bed here soon. So have your bowl of katster and hush, 'cause I've got a lot to say. (Slogan courtesy the Slogan Generator.)

The next few weeks are going to be both busy and emotional. That's going to be hard to get through. Granted, I'm behind in my classes, so...I have to figure out the homework. If anybody wants to give me advice for any of these assignments (Assignment #5, Assignment #6, Assignment #7, Assignment #8) I'd greatly appreciate it. Eight is most crucial because it's due soon, and I'm going to try to do the assignments that are due before I go get caught up on the old ones. At least the 202 stuff I have to do is easy in comparison, it's just managing to get brain, butt and fingers all on the same wavelength.

The worst part is that I shouldn't be struggling here. I shouldn't be having problems with this sort of stuff, and I should honestly figure out how to budget my time so I'm not killing myself at the end of the semester. I realized today that I rely on a hypomanic November to correct the mistakes from October, and that the depression's been lingering instead and there hasn't been an up rotation. Finally, today, somebody in my group made the insightful comment that maybe my stabilizer was working in damping off the high.

I need to get my act together and find a counselour this week. That might just be my best birthday present to myself.

I wish it would rain, I feel better when it rains.

I'm sorta worried about ratbert too. I hope whatever's bothering him resolves well.

As for me? Well, I'm hanging in there. I've been down this walk before. Calculated despair. That might just be the best term for it. The best solution for that is just walking through it, and attempting to ride it out. When caught in a riptide, your best bet is to ride it out, swim at a right angle to the current, and only worry about getting back to shore once you're out.

Of course, in the ocean, you've got the Coast Guard to come to your rescue, and there's no such thing in the emotional realm. You need to ride out the storms yourself and find your own way back to dry land...or drown trying. And I'm at that point, I've been paddling furiously, and I can't tell where dry land is. Can somebody please shine a light in the darkness?

I can't even muster some enthusiasm for Big Game Week, which usually defines my life. Whee. Sucks.

anyway, that's the state of the katster. Now back to you in the studio...
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    Led Zeppelin - The Rain Song