January 1st, 2003


I suck.

I promised not to stay up until dawn playing Civ3.

And I went to bed. Lay down for three hours, couldn't sleep. (Okay, so for some of it I was reading. If you haven't heard of them or picked them up, Diane Duane's Young Wizards series are great, and rival good ol' Mr. Potter for entertainment value.) So I get up, figuring trying to read alt.callahans would make me tired enough to go to bed...

...and I succumbed to the temptation of Civ3. I suck.

three hours later, I find that although my civilization is advancing, time is passing in the real world, and so, I am going to go to bed before the sun actually rises.

I still suck, though.
  • Current Music
    computer beeps

quote for a new year

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous,
leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise
into and above the clouds.

-Edward Abbey, naturalist and author (1927-1989)
dream, thoughtful, quiet

neat article...


Been thinking about some stuff said by siliconshaman and anahata56, and then I started poking through the local paper.

One of the few things I like about Redding is Doni Greenberg, one of the regular columnists for the Redding Record Searchlight (known around town as the Wretched Flashlight, but I do digress.) Anyway, it's odd when my life does synchronous things like that, but let me share this wonderful column.

Forgive me for being a party pooper, but 2003 scares the bejesus out of me.

Which reminds me, I have a message for those who believe I have a moral responsibility as a columnist to assume an artificially brave and cheerful face. Sorry.

But I digress.

It's customary to say "Happy New Year." But this year, it feels a mite overly ambitious-- like setting the optimism bar just a tad too high. Happy New Year would be quite the luxury this year. Peaceful New Year gets top billing in my book.

--Doni Greenberg, Welcoming New Year requires courage, wisdom to see the Light.
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    thoughtful thoughtful

Looking forward.

My own questions (well, okay, tanesmuti's questions, but I nicked them.):

so, what did you learn this year? was it worth it? do you have any regrets?

what hopes, dreams, plans do you have for 2003?

I spent 2002 digging myself out of a hole. I'm stuck at the moment between who I am, and who I want to be, and the person I want to be is so amazing, it scares the person who I am. In 2001, Ari and Patrick both described me as strong, but I swear the universe is out to test my patience.

I mean, some good did happen. I got away from home. (although I'm there right now.) I was able to handle a stressful situation very well (although the stressful situation beyond that snuck up and crushed me.) I'm in a long term relationship, and it might actually end someday with him being the guy that gets me after my dad walks me down the aisle, y'know? Which was probably the high point of the year. I did notice that I've been transferring who I talk to when I get upset from my folks to him, so I hope he doesn't mind too much.

Regrets? I hate writing off people, and I've pretty much written off two. One I really don't want to talk to all that much, and the other whom I will talk to, but am going to spend the spare energy on when he decides to be deliberately hurtful. I should have done better this semester, but that might be the academic perfectionist in me acting up. And I'm sorta regretting not wanting to be on the anti-depressant, but that was my being willful, I think.

As for 2003? I'd like to get to know some of the local folk a bit better, but since I tend to be a loner, I doubt that'll happen. I want to get through a semester without falling prey to my demons of doubt and despair, but again, I've never had one before, so I don't know how they look. I'd like to actually start walking regularly. I'd like to see Patrick again, but I'm not sure if that's going to come off. I'd really like to win the lottery, I'd like to have *money* for once. I'd like the world to get better. If not world peace, then at least world calmness.

And I'm going to pursue therapy, I think. There's a lot of old bottled up hurts that still cause me to start crying with the pain of it. And I'd like to attempt to keep up with alt.callahans, but that's...well, difficult.

So, that's about it. Thoughts?
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