January 19th, 2003

scared, trapped

Random musings at o dark thirty.

It's one AM. another week's over, and I'm dead in the water, but I try not to think about that. I still can't code to save my life, even though I'm doing well otherwise. I've let Zibb go after talking with him for a long time, because I feel happier in his presence than I do in his absence, and his leaving brings a pain of loneliness. It's been that kind of day.

Luns cheers me up, and he's always got something odd going on. Again, it should be much more fun to live with him in the future. I had him over tonight, we watched Chicken Run on Prufrock (my two computers are Prufrock and Macavity. I'm trying to decide what the router should be.) while I sat on Macavity and talked to Zibb too.

You see, I'm paranoiding about my roommate. In the past, I have had bad experiences with people assigned to live with me. I went through three roommates in freshman year, and had my suitemates organize a campaign to kick me out sophomore year with the help of the resident assistant (student assigned to babysit us, and deal with problems as they arise) and the resident director (University staff, basically the boss of the resident assistants.) After that, I lived on halls, and usually at the end of them where I could be a hermit.

And so I'm now living in a two person apartment, after this year's earlier troubles with Kai, and I'm afraid that Jamila doesn't really like me. (Jamila is my new roommate). Whenever I talk to her, I get the impression that she'd really rather not talk to me. She's a neat freak. (I am so not.) I feel awkward in her presence, I feel awkward in the common spaces of the apartment, I feel (because I moved in late) that I got short shrift when it came to cabinets and refrigerator space.

And now there's two people sleeping in the living room, and they didn't even give me as much as a by your leave. :P (I mean, I don't mind people staying over, I just want a "hey, be prepared when you wander out of your bedroom because there are going to be people here." from somebody, y'know? I want to feel somewhat in the loop.)

*sigh* this is bothering me, I freely confess. I've been holing up in my room because I can't deal with it, and I'm not sure what to do now, except hold out and hope that they'll let me out of my contract in May.

But when I'm standing in the hallway between my room and the bathroom, staring out at the flickering light of the television across the walls of the living room, it's a time like this that I wish i was anywhere but here, and I find that I am missing Patrick even more.

Collapse )
  • Current Music
    tick tock of the counter clock
logo

*yawn*

Brutally exhausted today, and I'm not completely sure why.

well, the place *seems* quiet, so I'm going to sneak out for food.

More later.
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted