January 29th, 2003

sleepy, awww


blithering hunk of no good meat that exists in my head!

The last few days I've been running at a near-mixed state. Now I know what they're like, I've dealt with them before, and I can pretty much keep the "Urgh! Hulk smash!" instinct i get in these kinds of moods under control. On the other hand, I've been feeling like I'm at the end of my rope, and well, I guess that's to be expected. And it being that time of the fscking month just compounds it. Stress is a bad reactor. I'm not sure what made me think I could do well in graduate school, because that seems to be all there is to it.

And something in this rant is setting me off, and for the life of me, I can't figure it out. I mean, I know zibblsnrt quite well, I'm aware of his views and feelings, and it's really well written. And yet it still bothers me. Granted, we have a close enough relationship that we can talk about this, and I hope he's not bothered by me posting these thoughts here. (And I wanted to share his rant, because it's got a point, and it's well written, and all that.)

I think I'm going to drop my usability class and take Document Engineering. One, Glushko's an *awesome* lecturer. Two, I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of the usability class, not that I have anything against Nancy, but I think I need the extra year of seasoning. Three, the Document Engineering course sounds like it could lead to cool possibilities for my summer. Four, the Document Engineering course is *fun*. I need a class that's more like playtime this semester, espcially as I need to finish my I in 255 *fingertwirl*.

So that's that. Now I'm less than 36 hours from San Diego, it gets harder to focus on what needs to be done...

Oh yeah. Hi to ladycalliope and shandrew. I know them both from aspc-10 (alt.sports.college.pac-10), and I like them both, even though they went to and root for a certain school on the other side of the Bay... :) Actually, I think there's more Stanford folk on my friends list than Cal folk, which is funny if you know me.

anyway, I think that's it for tonight. Tomorrow...the world.
  • Current Music
    Nickel Creek - Green and Gray
scared, trapped

There but for the grace of God...

Riding the bus home from downtown today. We pulled up at the corner of Dana St. and Durant Ave., and there was a lady sitting on the bus bench. It became soon apparant that this wasn't your typical old lady, I mean at first, she had red cheeks, but lots of people have rosy cheeks.

And then she screamed, "FUCKERS" and slapped her face.

This display went on for the two minutes the bus was pulled up. She must have hit herself a good seven or eight times in that time span.

The bus driver was laughing his head off. I was thinking, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

Mental illness is nasty. And while this lady was the extreme example, there's those of us who wonder what good we're going to be to society, after all the accomodations are stripped away, and sanity hanging on a regular supply of prescription drugs. People like me.

For those of you not in the know, I'm manic-depressive. And while I've done a ton despite the illness, it sneaks up on me. And it makes me wonder if my demons are that lady's demons, or will be those lady's demons. I wonder if I'll chase away everybody who loves me, and be left to sit on a bus bench dealing with my internal demons while people laugh at me.

And it brings me near tears.
  • Current Music
    Nickle Creek - Speak
smilingkat, halifax, happy

zibblsnrt does it again!

I'm not twingy for some odd reason about this essay, though. Go. Read. Now. A Defense of the Liberal Arts [edit: fixed the link, it's no longer broke.]

And 'cause it made me feel kinda happy (and I don't think he'd mind), I'm sharing a snippit of our conversation tonight.

* katster reads your latest rant. you forgot me. ;)
<Zibblsnrt> if I'd listed all my renaissance friends I'd still be writing. :)
<katster> yes, but I'm not just your friend. ;)
* Zibblsnrt chose a couple at random, had shitloads written down. %)
<Zibblsnrt> :)
* Zibblsnrt hugs you. :)
* katster hugs you back. You're laughing, right?
<katster> (besides, I fear to think of how you'd have described me...)
<Zibblsnrt> A historian-programmer with impressive backgrounds in politics and psychology, who decided at one point to hop specialties and is doing so with relative ease? :)
<katster> well, there's two adjectives you don't usually find together to begin with. :)
<katster> "I'm a historian" and "I'm a programmer" are usually mutually exclusive. ;)
<Zibblsnrt> See? :)

Love you, dear. :)
  • Current Music
    Nickel Creek - Speak