July 26th, 2003

upset, sad

assuring me I'm connected...

I guess I should say something about last night's entry.

For some reason, I know lack of concentration and stuff is part of the depression, and that's a lot of why I've been having troubles keeping up with my friends list. Well, that and time. But I know a key thing feeding into the depression at the moment is the vague feeling that nobody cares. I mean, I can't point to people and say, "Dammit, care more about me", and I feel guilty for even saying what I'm saying here...but I feel really rotten at the moment, and it seems like there's very few people who notice or care.

it's times like this when I wonder if i'm on everybody's default view filters. And that might just be stupid on my part, and I know it's not true, but somehow the depression beast is good at lying and making me think what is false is actually what's true, and it confuses the hell out of me.

I've explained to both aris_tgd and zibblsnrt that there's a difference between knowing and feeling. it seems silly, but it exists. In the back of my head, I'm aware that I'm a decent person, that I'm loved, that people care about me, and I'm not the reincarnation of Attilla the Hun or something. I'm smart, and I'm honest, and I'm reasonable, and i've got a good sense of humour.

But feeling is another matter altogether. I feel that I'm a horribly rotten failure, and that if people didn't feel obligated to talk to me, they wouldn't bother. I feel that I don't belong in places where I do belong. (I've had an anonymous visitor from SIMS, who is probably one of my classmates, and they'll prolly be shocked to find that I fight desperately with the idea that I somehow faked my way into graduate school and that I don't really belong there.)

And I know a lot of the trouble is that I isolate. A lot of this is because of all the things I'm feeling, and I'm scared I'm about to explode at somebody who really doesn't deserve it, so I fight it down, and attempt to bottle up what I'm feeling. So when I get really damned quiet, that's a hint that I'm not really feeling up to sorts.

So yeah, right now, I need the reassurance there's people out here, and that my words matter, and that I'm not screaming into a void. I nearly killed the IRC channel I hang out on a regular basis the other day (#spork, on irc.sandwich.net for those who are wondering), because when I was obviously distressed and upset, nobody said a fscking word. And I know I've talked about the idea with inflection (who's a really good guy), and I know he's said something about not knowing what to say because he doesn't want to say the wrong thing, but I think, in most situations, poking me with a small "Are you okay/how are you feeling?" type question might be best. And most of the time I'll actually want to talk about it. But even if I don't, a small "hang in there" gives me the idea that at least somebody cares.

Don't ask zibblsnrt if I'm alright if you're not sure about approaching me, because it just frustrates him and the message doesn't come across to me if he says "Person X is wondering if you're okay", because...remember, I'm feeling bad, and I know Zibb wants me to feel good, so the depression beast will discount it as him trying to make me feel better. Most of the time, I want to be assured that people care what happens to me, and that I'm not screaming into the void.

So yeah, I guess that's what I need right now is just reassurance that people are seeing what I'm saying and stuff right now. That's all. So...if you could spare a few moments, and say hi, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks.
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