January 23rd, 2004

wistful, sell the world, snape

the state of the katster address

Greetings friends, relatives, enemies, and random passerby.

This is the state of the katster: California.

...what? It *is* the state...oh. Oh. I get it. State, not state. Oh. Okay.

Anyway, the state of the katster is mixed...no, not mixed, that implies a mixed episode, and I'm doing okay right now...okay, maybe a bit of depression, but that's not unusal... Oh. Sorry, talking to myself. I take it this thing is live? Oh. Okay. Lemme try again.

The state of the katster is ambivalent.

Ambivalent. It's a good word, meaning of mixed mind, which sums up quite nicely the way I've been feeling. Somehow, and without telling me it was coming, my final semester of graduate school snuck up on me. And now I'm faced with the prospects of having to find a job (in this economy, haw haw haw), and figuring out a final project and all that stuff.

So, let's start with school, since school's an important part of my life and has much to do with the state of the katster. I'm enrolled in four courses this semester -- Database Design, Organization and Retrieval of Information, IT Strategy, and French. I'm also taking a no-credit flash course to get some idea how to use that program. My classes don't look extraordinarily hard this semester, once I get my act together. And I already have a study/homework group in IT Strategy -- even if it was sorta an accident.

But this was all I had to do, I'd say it was looking like a fairly calm semester. But it is, unfortunately, my last semester, and they want me to do a final project. I still don't really have a clue about what I'm going to do. I'm serious, ideas are always good, and for more details, see this post. This is, probably, the source of most of my stress at the moment. So if anybody can offer any help, I'd appreciate it. Keep in mind that I'm not a good programmer. (Thanks to those who have already offered ideas.)

Besides this, I have to finish my incompletes that are dragging at me, and I might just be going into school this weekend to work on them a bit. I'm not sure yet. I think this weekend would be more productive trying to do a final project, or at least get an idea. And homework. Homework's always good.

Of course, since I'm graduating, the next thing is finding some way to pay my rent. This means -- get a job, slacker. It's difficult, I figure I'll need at least $2000 (after taxes) a month to live where I'm living (goddamn expensive bay area). It's probably cheaper in Redding -- but I don't want to go home. It doesn't help that my mother seems to think of it as inevitable, which makes me angry and sad. And moving anywhere else is complicated by the fact that I don't have very much money to do a move, so I'm kinda trapped. Maybe I'll move to Davis with jillcaligirl.

In the friendship department, it's hard to tell what my current state is. I'm notoriously inaccurate at being able to tell where I stand with my friends, and the depression does not help matters. I want to be liked; I want to be popular. However, I'm probably never going to have that, I'm too much of an introvert to be a popular person. That, and I feel like my insights are stupid and somewhat predictable, and there's a lot of times I think people are probably better off keeping their distance.

But anyway, it's just hard in the friends department at the moment, which leads to the "ambivalent" state listed above.

In good news, my love life seems to be pretty good for somebody who's in a long term long distance relationship. If all goes well, zibblsnrt will be coming to California in May, but the for sureness of this trip is not assured yet, and that scares me. I'm trying to scrape up the money for his ticket, and I'm scared I'm not going to pull it off. I'm scared that this trip isn't going to happen, and that really bothers me a lot, more than I think I'm willing to admit. I've worked hard, and I've been patient, and it'll be nearly two years since I've seen him when he gets out here...if he makes it. and the money for that is huge.

And my family...well, they're there. There's stress up the wazoo there too, with Mom being in the hospital and not really doing all that well, to the point that she's pretty incoherent and unable to deal with things. This was not expected at all. Dad's trying, but he's having a hard time, and I'm scared that they're going to lose the one thing they dreamed of -- which is the house. It's shit out there at the moment for my folks, who never really had a fucking chance. They've tried every fucking thing they can do to get out of the crap hole they got into -- my mom even went back to college while jillcaligirl and I were kids -- and nothing's worked out. Nothing at all.

The above's why I could never support libertarianism, btw. What more do you want from my folks than what they've done? Fuck, why is one fucking stupid illness -- my mom's leukemia -- destroying my family? Why the fuck did we have to shell out over a thousand dollars a month on health insurance, when in any other sane country a diagnosis of cancer wouldn't mean that my folks would necesarily lose the house?

As you can see, my politics are still the same.

Anyway, jillcaligirl seems to be doing better this quarter (I hope), so maybe that'll be good news. God knows we need it. If you're up there, and you're listening, and you feel in a benevolent mood, y'mind sending some random millionaire my folks' way? Or let 'em win the lottery? Or something? We've had enough character building to last us a few dozen lifetimes...

The illness itself seems to be at bay at the moment, but depression has a way of slipping through the cracks and gaping holes of my psyche, and with the stress load, I'm hoping it doesn't bite me hard. Hoping, of course, may mean that it just reaches up and bites me, but...

Hence the word ambivalent. And on this, my 1500th post to LJ, that's about the best way to sum up how I feel. I think it's more a case of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If y'read all the way through this, say hi. I'd like to sorta feel like I'm not screaming into the void. Thank you, and g'night.
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