the one and only truly amazing katster (katster) wrote,
the one and only truly amazing katster

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Stream of conscious ramblings...

So here we are. Shortest shopping day of the year... (well shortest <insert adjective of your choice here> day, anyway). katster is journaling on the train as opposed to somewhere where there is a standard normal net connection where she can live vicariously through the lives of what about two hundred other odd people post.

Kat should be sleeping, seeing as how she's been awake for *counts* it's seven AM on Saturday, and since friday at 11...eleven minus seven is four, twenty-four minus four is...I've been awake for near 21 hours, 'cause it's actually 7:47.

*gets up and wanders around the train, gets breakfast, does all that.*

Okay, back. It's now 8:04, and the train is sitting in Martinez. Martinez is the birthplace of Joe Dimaggio, but it will forever be known as the town of lost chances to me. You see...ooh, there's a net.connection at Martinez we're pulling out. Buhbye wireless net. Anyway, as I was saying, Martinez is the town of lost chances. A friend was visiting Martinez last summer, and posted a note to the jihad bulletin board about this. I wasn't paying attention at the time, and didn't check in until the end of September...I saw the message, kicked an email at him saying the next time he was in the Bay Area, to look me up, and waited for a response. About a week later, I found out, through other channels, that said friend had passed away. Eerily, it was the same night I had sent the email.

I've been told repeatedly that it's NOT my fault, but every time I think about it, I can't help but wonder...

Now the train is going over the Benecia Bridge. Below me is the Delta of the Sacramento-San Joaquin river, and floating at anchor in said Delta is what I call the Ghost Fleet. Basically, it's a bunch of ships that the US Navy put at anchor there following World War II, and now, nobody really cares. I mean, the ships are obsolete, they're rusted to hell and back, nobody wants them...what are they doing there? Well, guess there's no better place for them to be.

The sun is breaking out from behind the clouds. It's a bit hard on my eyes, but it's still nice. And then there's the phenomenon where the sun's rays break through a cloud, and you can see the rays. I call the phenomenon "The Fingers of God". The first time I saw sunrays like that as a kid, I was pretty devoutly religious, and I believed that God was trying to reach down and touch his creation, and show us all that He's still here.

It's funny how that leads into my religious beliefs now. I'm not exactly the "good Christian girl" that my fundy relatives seem to think I am. (Seriously. The first time my aunt found out I had a boyfriend, he first question was, "Is he a Christian?" When I answered the question in the negative, all she said was "There's still time...") (granted, I'll say that I did add to some of the confusion by the necklace I wear, which is one half of a mizpeh coin. [Patrick has the other half, and he actually wears it, which amuses me {have I mentioned lately that I love that boy?}])...err, sorry. Sidetracked. Easy to do when you're at 21.5 hours of no sleep and counting. Anyway. Religious beliefs. I think that I hold the heretical opinion that Jesus was not divine, but that he was a good teacher, and his words are best not dismissed out of hand. Even Paul of Tarsus, of whom I've had my gripes, has some cognizant things to say.

Anyway, the short of it is that I believe in God, because I look at the amazing diversity of life around me and said, "There ain't no way this all was chance." Interestingly enough, I've decided that, unlike freshman year where I nearly flunked physical anthro because I couldn't bring myself to believe in evolution. The thing is, I think I've figured out that it's not completely inconsistant to hold two diametrically opposed views in your head and believe in both of them. God is mystery; God is wonder; God is faith.

In high school, when I started questioning my religious beliefs (I went to church with my grandmother. It got pretty wild at times. I believe the term for it is "charismatic"), I went to a few services of the Catholic church with my best friend and her father. One of my favourite parts of the litany is when the priest says, "And so we proclaim the mystery of faith."

The mystery of faith. What an awe inspiring wonder. Faith is a mystery. Science doesn't understand Faith. Why should a hunk of meat be able to ponder its place in the cosmos? How? It is mystery; it is wonder. The sun rises; I exist; it's a beautiful morning.

And I think I'll put this rambling away now until I get home, because I need to sleep sometime soon, and these ramblings are probably somewhat incoherent.

and home. whee. sleep time.

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