the one and only truly amazing katster (katster) wrote,
the one and only truly amazing katster
katster

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oh whoa whoa whoa...

Altruism fscking sucks.

There's a time to ponder when to give everything up, to wonder if you're really the same person you were even at the beginning of the year. If you can even go on caring like you used to, to even try to figure out what to do A sense that if you keep giving like you used to, soon there will be nothing left to give.

o/~ well, I'm thwarted by a metaphysic puzzle o/~

It is too much to ask for payment for what I do? Not in money of course, but in genuine feelings of good will, and caring? Is it too much to ask that in return for my attention that you be honest with me and listen to what I have to say? Is it too much?

The problem with being altruistic and trying to care for people is that you get taken for granted. Well that and when you finally make a decision to save yourself for once, people find it suprising.

I'm tired of always being the figure in the background, the one who tries to keep everybody sane as I fall apart. Maybe I'm too much of a straight arrow. Maybe I'm too much of an altruist. I don't know. I just know I'm tired of my role, but I don't know what to do to change it. Because to become less altruistic is inconcievable.

o/~ let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe/ and leave this to the roaches and mice o/~

I've been pondering wandering away on my own time away from IRC, but I tried that somewhat. Only showing up for a few hours every other day or so...but it's not a complete vacation. It seems that nobody noticed, or maybe they knew it was just a vacation in reality, and thus didn't miss me.

I don't know. I'm just feeling at the moment quite underappreciated, and quite lonely. I wonder sometimes if what goes on in my head is what goes on in everybody else's. I'm tired of thinking...but I can't do anything else. To be normal is at the same time my secret ambition and my impossibility. Funny, huh?

Don't I suck? I mean, I wish to be normal. Isn't that pathetic?

And my good friends have been more than supportive. I just don't have the words to express what I"m thinking clearly in anything resembling a coherent manner.

I should sleep.
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