the one and only truly amazing katster (katster) wrote,
the one and only truly amazing katster

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flotsam and jetsam...

First of all, curses to kuangning by making Gradewrecker (err...Nethack) playable on my laptop by telling me how to do diagonal directions without a number pad or remembering vi keystrokes. ;) Now I'll be playing the damned thing in class.

Second, zibblsnrt starts school tomorrow. This causes some odd emotions in me, and I've not had a chance to talk about them with him, but I need to say them or they're going to keep eating at me. I mean, I want him to go back to school, and I want him to kick ass, because, unlike me, Patrick is really really damned good at the school thing, and him doing well makes me very proud of him. But on the other hand, I begrudge the time school takes up, because it's time I don't get to spend with him, and it's already hard enough with timezones and stuff. We're chugging on two years, this is our fourth semester of school since we've been a couple...but it's more difficult than usual. I think it's tied into my ambivalance to school this semester, and the two things are playing around and bouncing against one another and waking up the damned depression beast.

And I can't even afford to see a counselor this year, which really sucks. Mental health benefits suck in general in the States, and probably around the world. Too bad, because an otherwise bright and talented person who just happens to be afflicted with manic-depression gets tossed to the side just because he or she has issues with brain chemistry. Am I less of a person because I walk in darkness and loneliness a lot of the time? I feel that way a lot, and I'm not sure if it's the depression or what.

(Yeah, I'm under treatment. Neurontin is my stabilizer (despite the reports it doesn't work all that well for bipolar, it seems to work for me) and Wellbutrin as my antidepressant. People who know me say there's a distinct difference between when I'm taking the meds and when I'm not. And I'll confess to not being all that good about taking them as of late. Stupid me.)

So yeah. I think I'm suffering definite signs of burnout, and it's better I find something that's not school than going on and trying to get a Ph.D. I'd better sign up to talk to my advisor, although it's difficult. He's teaching one of my classes this semster, and I think it'll be interesting, but I can't even seem to get up enthusiasm for any of my classes, and that really sucks.

And that's about it, unless any of you have any ideas that might help.

G'night, LJ world.

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