Can't sleep again. I'm not sure what's causing the anxiety except that everything at this time of night is like glancing through the large lens of a telescope. Everything is so far away and so out of touch and I just can't get my hands around it, or touch the passion that things seemed to invoke in me not so long ago. Everything that I know meant so much to me -- my schooling, my life, my beloved zibblsnrt -- is lifeless and colourless in my grasp, like trying to reach out into a hologram. I can distract myself for a bit, I'm lucky for that, but I can't keep the distractions running forever. Because eventually there'll be a quiet moment where I look and all I see is the darkness and the shadows and realize that I don't feel anything. Like the ivy choking the oak tree, those are the moments when the depression is winning. Those are the deepest darkest moments when I'm not quite sure why I'm still here, that feeling of death masquerading as life, the thoughtl of all that wasted carbon and other trace elements that make up me. And it's funny, though the beast keeps whispering how much of a failure I am, I can't even bring myself to do the final insult -- lifting a knife, swallowing pills, holding myself underwater, vaulting the railing -- they're all thankfully impossible at the moment, and I know...I know if I keep pushing, the dawn will come, and I'll look at this and not be able to comprehend what I was feeling.
People can't understand this mood state. They tell me that it's a matter of just being happy or having better self esteem or not giving in to my demons. They tell me I'm making it all up. Maybe I am. Maybe I am so fundamentally worthy of hatred that I feel I have to drown myself in it. But something tells me, even in this pit of despair and destruction, that I am more than this, I am more than my depression -- the dawn will come, if I have to dig into the rock with my fingernails and pray that I don't fall any further, dawn will come and break up the darkness that makes my thoughts flow like molasses, that makes my emotions rusted and useless, that replaces my joy and happiness with a dull sorrow that I don't know where it comes from.
The only emotion I can really distinguish out at the moment is fear. An overgrown fear, that is a heavy weight and a burden on my efforts to progress forward, a fear that I won't complete my master's project, that Zibb can't/won't be able to make it here, that I won't find a job and will be forced to move home, which is somewhere I don't want to be. I'm scared of all these things, and yet I feel like I'm being sucked into them -- as much as I want to avoid them, as much as I don't want that to be the future -- it still seems quite possible and rather scary, and for some reason it's feeding the depression. Which means that no matter how much I want to avoid these things, I'm still being pushed in that direction.
And I don't know what to do about it.
So I'm just going to sit here and wait for the dawn...and I think I'm really going to bed, despite still not being able to sleep. Think of me what you will...
o/~ wherever I have gone, wherever I've been and gone, wherever I have gone, the blues have run the game o/~