the one and only truly amazing katster (katster) wrote,
the one and only truly amazing katster

  • Mood:

doom and gloom and unreadable rants.

There are days when the siren call of 'you could disappear and nobody would care about you' runs pretty loud. Today has been one of those days where it has, and I very nearly believe it. And at the same time I feel pretty damned stupid about saying anything at all, because it'll look like whinging (which it sorta is), and it's sorta because I'm not feeling well (but whether that's because I'm somatically sick or just riding the teeth of a very nasty depression is up for debate), but I'm very close to believing that if I was to disappear off the face of the Earth, that nobody would wonder or care about what happened.

Yeah, I'm really very horribly lonely. A lot of it has to do with the fact that in real life I feel as if I'm being asked to juggle five balls too many and that it's really been a miracle that I've not dropped them yet, My mother is very good at squashing my own thoughts (in the last week I've been lectured about how I'm not doing enough around the house and yet, when I brought up the possibility of moving out when we get to Sac, she says she won't cosign on an apartment even though I did fine the last time, which sorta stunk.)

There are times I'm horribly convinced this move to Sac was and remains the wrong thing.

As for the reason I might need a cosigner, I fucking did it to myself. I'm an idiot. That's all I have to say.

So yeah. There's a point where I feel like I'm slowly drowning and that nobody's noticing. And that feeling is just extraordinarily strong tonight. And as much as there's logical reasons for everything I'm feeling...well...

Shit. I should have *never* come home in the first place. 'Cause it doesn't look like I'll ever get out again.


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