the one and only truly amazing katster (katster) wrote,
the one and only truly amazing katster

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yay, the wheels fell off my bus.

[Note: This post may deal with things that some of you/many of you consider angst. If you don't want to read angst, then don't read this. I take no reponsibility for your decision to read this. So, if you read this and you don't like angst, I don't want you to go complaining to your friends about what an angsty poster I am, or even worse, how angsty the Jihad posters as a whole are. You Have Been Warned.]

I think the word that describes how I feel is bitter. I'm not sure I understand this obsession with sex. I'm not sure I understand this obsession with relationships with signifigant others either. But both have struck me in such a way to have me feeling pretty down.

Okay, so paint me a prude, but I'm the weird sort that believes one of the greatest gifts I can give my husband on my wedding day is for him to be the first to know me in that manner, if you guess. I don't claim to understand why people are so into sharing each other so intimately with every Tom, Dick, and Harry on the street. I don't understand why the first thought on everybody's mind is "Will he/she/it/they fuck me?"

Yeah, I understand, drive to procreate, and pleasure and all that crap. But in some ways, isn't this unhealthy, this overobsession with sex? Isn't this the sort of thing that's leading girls to want to be unhealthy and skinny? Isn't this the sort of thing that makes our culture all superficial and stuff?

Just random musings, I've got my own morals, and I'm not trying to shove them down your throat. I'm a Democrat, for heaven's sake. I'm just not sure I like the trend. Yes, I'm glad sex is more open, but I'm wondering if the obsession we Americans have with it is...perhaps the flip side of the Puritan coin? In, that it's a pleasure because it is so taboo?

Okay, I'll stop that rant now, before I get in trouble. But a friend made an offhand observation that hit pretty hard, and hurt pretty bad. I know he didn't mean it, but when he mentioned having lack-of-relationship angst, I realized I did too.

This leads to problems of course. For example, I've sworn off online relationships. I got into one once, and it wasn't bad while it lasted. Unfortunately, it happened to correspond perfectly with the Semester From Hell, Part I, and I broke it off because I noticed that he was following me deep into the pits of despair, and it was starting to affect him. Now, I've got some shread of human compassion left, and decided that pulling the plug would be the best decision in the long run.

I've since apologized to him for that, but it's another factor that worries me in terms of relationships. My bipolar disorder can, at times, make me difficult to be in a relationship with, and I'm scared to death that Mr. Right, whenever I find him, is gonna see that and waltz right back out of my life. And this bothers me.

But reality isn't much better. There's just not many good guys around here, and most of them are either taken, a friend, or afraid of me. And I'm not the most attractive either. I mean, I've got a lot to bring to the table...if you can get past the cover that's on this book.

And yeah, this is just...angsting on my part. This is why I told you not to read this if you don't like angst.

what a fscked up life I lead, that one poll and a couple of random comments can send me right back into the pits of despair. And I know the people who made them had no intention to affect me this way, which only makes me feel worse. So much for that good feeling last night.

Welcome to October; look at the fragile me.

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