the one and only truly amazing katster (katster) wrote,
the one and only truly amazing katster
katster

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Ogres are like onions.

Welp...with the exception of some documentation and asking Doug how to count clock cycles again, my program's done, much to my surprise. The biggest part was fitting the hex generator to my old randoms program, but it was pretty easy once I matched variables.

The hex generator I used is that bit of assembler code I wrote that you see in my LJ post. It was just a matter of letting it use pregenerated numbers rather than calling one from the keyboard.

So basically, it's this and math test and then I'm home free for a little bit, which will be nice. I got pushed beyond the edge of breakdown last night, and if it wasn't for the fact that I had to be right back up the next morning...I would have been in a hell of a bad spot. But I wasn't. I got through the test, and dealt with it.

But monday evening, I was feeling lousy. So horribly lousy. Let's put it to you this way, I nearly broke down crying in front of Doug, who is my assembly teacher. Yesterday was just so horribly ugly and bad that I'd prefer that I could wipe the day from my records, or go back and stop myself from ranting on Sunday night so that monday wouldn't have been so awful.

*sigh* but I was in no way prepared to handle what happened as I got home on Monday night, and that pushed me over the edge into fullblown breakdown mode. All the pent up stress and anger from this whole year had just flooded over me at once and I just started crying. it's difficult to try to portray rationality when you're crying like there's no tomorrow. But then again, on the internet, nobody can see you cry.

Was just another case of the timing being completely horribly awfully wrong, as it had been all day. five minutes here, a half hour there...and Monday would have prolly worked out a whole hell of a lot better. Nobody's fault...goddamn the demons of the clock!

And the last time somebody was saying they were gonna do something for my own good, well, it wasn't a plesant experience, which didn't help the push into breakdown land. But I promised myself nothing controversial for a few days, nothing to push me back over into breakdown land.

it's just 2k1 kicking me in the teeth a few more times to remind me that she's still here and as long as she has a say, it's not gonna be a good year. Oh well. There are ninty more days in this year, and then the jackbooted thug of 2k1 gives up the ghost and turns it over to 2k2. Which is gonna be better, dammit.

I'm reminded of the one scene in Shrek in which Shrek tries to explain to Donkey that ogres are like onions. Well, I'm like an onion too, and it's not just that I make people cry. Although I'm good at that too. I have layers. And I'm very protective of my layers. Beneath my calm exterior lies a raging hurricane, and I don't like to let people see that swirling dark chaos, because I'm afraid people won't like me anymore.

I'm afraid people will hate me if I show them the evil inside. There is this undying urge in me to fight evil wherever it shows up, but...I can't even fight the evil inside me. That's how weak and pathetic I am. And I don't want you to know that. How can you like me with faults? How can you like me?

Tomorrow night, I'll try to explain this in more depth and introduce you all to the Watchers. If I get a chance, but I should...seeing as how midterm hell is over. And maybe that will help you understand.

Because I'm about to hang my sword up, because I feel like I've turned into the monster I was sent out to fight.
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