my mood's been relatively stable the past few weeks. What a surprise. But suddenly, precipitously, it's dropped, hard. To the point where I'm purposely cuing my depressive songs, which means I've fallen hard. and it's lonely in the abyss...
things keep getting more distant, more hard to hang on, more hard to see clearly. It's my old dear friend, the greyness creeping up on me, stealing my ability to care, to reason, to feel...why bother? it's too much effort, too much work, too much...i can't anymore. Too much...and nobody bothers.
at the bottom of the abyss, groping blindly in the dark, wondering if there'll ever be a way back into the light.
feeling like I'm the rope in a tug-a-war game, wondering if a) there is anything a person can do that is so hideous that it would be good riddance to bad rubbish, and b) whether such an attitude is right, whatever the answer to the first question is?
is this really the end of the world? Game over, I lose? I don't think so, I don't want to believe so, but it's always an attractive answer, the siren song of madness calling out to me. Never have to worry, never have to care again. The great adventure, y'know?
But I hold back, somehow. I've managed before. I've fought with these beasts before, and I know it.
but at times, it's awful difficult.
"seagull go and fly
fly to your tomorrows
leave me to my sorrow..."
--bad company, "seagull"